Feeling Dead Today…

Why me at all?

A mediocre bulb of life,

Pulp to the disease and scourge of Humanity

Fallen and broken,

Why me?

I have never been that hero in the night,

Never been that stalking agent

Never blessed with flight or might.

I have never witnessed or preformed miricales,

I have never been that faithful boy,

Waiting on his beautiful maid.

Never been that evil man,

Who takes what he wants

hand in hand.

I have never been the tide

the stars

I have never lied.

I have never been the school halls,

the memories of dead and gone

and ceased to fade but bide their time,

drift away to the back of your mind.

Why me?

Why this hatred?  Why this love?

I have never been your savior

Or your solitude.

I have never been cool, or kind…

I’ve never been left behind or unforgotten,

Not in this twilight…

I have never been your addiction,

Your pack of smokes or infested revolt.

I’m just me.

I’ve never been the ground you kissed or walked on.

I’ve never been there in time of need,

I’ve never been needed, wanted

by none,

Save that ever clinging mass that is no one

Nothing…

I have never been the face you imagine,

The blue of the sky,

The kid in Africa who needs 68 cents a day from you.

I’ve never been your car, your house, your T.V.

Your life.

I’ve never been my life.

I have never been me.

Thats something i could never be…

Like a Hobo!

Wake up at 2 PM!

(LIke a Hobo)

Play The Orange Box!

(Like a Hobo)

Dots up my arm!

(Like a Hobo)

With a Sharpie!

(Like a Hobo)

Slap my brother!

(Like a Hobo)

In the face!

(Like a Hobo)

Play the Orange Box!

(Like a Hobo)

Lose at 2Fort!

(Like a Hobo)

Cry Deeply!

(Like a Hobo)

Go Fishing!

(Like a Hobo)

Catch a Magikarp!

(Like a Hobo)

Suck it’s fin!

(Like a Homo???)

Punch it in the face!

(Like a Hobo)

Cause all it does is splash!

(Like a Hobo)

Suck my own fin!

(Like a Hobo)

Break up with Bri!

……………………………………………….

…………………………………………………

……………………………………………………

Pussy out!

(like a hobo)

I’m sorry Bri!

(Like a Hobo)

But it’s kinda true!

(Like a Hobo)

Play the Orange Box!

(Like a Hobo)

Win at Dustbowl!

(Like a Hobo)

Shoot a Spy!

(Like a Hobo)

In the Dick!

(Like a Hobo)

Sorry Dave!

(Like a Hobo)

But it’s kinda true!

(Like a Hobo)

Play tramp tag!

(Like a Hobo)

Jump into the Sun!

(Like a Hobo)

Blow up the Sun!

(Like a Hobo)

All Life on Earth is gone

(Like a hobo)

Play The Orange Box!

(Like a Hobo)

With myself!

(Like a Hobo)

Shoot myself

(Like a Hobo)

Now I’m dead!

Kodak Moments

Seperation.  Me and the rest of the world.  This is the main thing that goes through your head when you step into a new life, moving away from everything you know and starting over.  Nothing is familiar, and life becomes that much more sureal.  It was mostly like this now, except for one thing, one person that i couldnt get my mind off of.  My first day in my new school, sitting in the back of class, (not exactly listening to the teacher going over his course curiculum)  I went back to yesterday…

I ran my hand along the brick wall on my way to sunday school.  It was my second time going to this church, the ward had already made the never changing warm welcome to the new coming family;  I therefore walked undisturbed by ambushes of beaming, well dressed people trying to shake my hand.  The brick felt rough on my finger tips as i kept walking, knowing i had to go to class, cause my mom would be sure to check with my teacher later to see if i was there.

Despite all my promises to relinquish my life before Heber and start over, i found my self in brood mode.  I stared at the floor everywhere i went, speaking only when spoken to, and only in short, ‘get the job done and get out’ sentences.  I kept remembering life in American Fork, finding it harder than i thought to forget everything.  I had memorized this church by it’s floors in the two times i had been in there, which was simple.  For some reason floors seem a lot more memorable than anything else.

I walked into my class, not looking at who was already there or not, and slumped down in a chair in the darkest corner the small room had to offer.  They felt the need to make me feel welcome, and i just wanted to be alone in my room at home.  I wanted to not only forget my past, but i wanted to forget any hopes for a future, i wanted to be non existent, i wanted to burn on the spot and disappear forever.  I heard them all laughing and joking, talking about the awesome summer they had had, about all the new teachers they were going to have in school the next morning, about the connections they had forged together as friends.  I had non of that.  i was the anomaly, the freak, and i wanted to be done with it all.

It was then that i heard a new voice, one that i hadent heard last Sunday, and in spite of my undying need to prove to the world that i was not part of it, I decided to interact with it.  I looked up.

Her name was Ivie.  She had been sitting right next to me in church yesterday…  And when I shook her hand, saw her smile, and heard that voice, i felt welcome in Heber for the first time ever…

Where to begin…

My good friend David Youd has prompted me to come out of the dark and make another post.  I realize more and more that it’s not actually posting on my blog, writng a novel, or composing a letter thats the problem with writing.  it’s actually sitting down and doing it.  not finding the time, i have plenty of time…  but doing it.

It’s been a  long time since my bloodymare days (see ‘bloodymare’ post)…  Still living with my mom, but life is looking up.  I just had my birthday and got an xbox 360, which makes me a very happy man.  I also got lost planet, kung fu panda, lego indiana jones, mass effect, and dead space for said xbox, and Bri rented the orange box for me from blockbuster, which i’ve been playing non stop.  Added in with all of this, i have a one month gold membership to xbox live, which means i can go online and play team fortress two with people i dont know.  Best, game, ever.  hands down.

around the same time that i got all those things, my mom got her tax return, and it was a hefty sum (^_^).  she got a new entertainment center, a wii, she bought daves families old computer and bought a desk for that, and she got the internet/cable.  Were rollin large now!  I got my new phone, the vu, which is a step up from my moms old pink phone that i was using.  I decided not to break up with bri.  after long talks about what i dont like about her and what she hates about me and both of us trying to change for the better, i realized that she makes me happy.  I still am strong in the fact that we wont get married, but for now, while i have no interest in seeing anyone else and while marriage is the furthest thing from my mind, i dont see any harm in being with her.

the whole bri me decision thing was weighing on me heavily, and with that out of the way i feel like i can breath again.  When we do break up, i’m so not setting a deadline, that sucks so bad…  anyway, i feel like this post is a big joke.  I read some of daves blog last night and he talked about how things like video games and stuff are irrelevant to life, and the majority of this post has been about telling you guys that i have my video games now, so i’m happy.  Yeah, i feel like i’m not on the same page as everyone else now, like i shouldnt be happy with my games and my toys…  but i am.  oh well, i’ll let the chips fall where they may and see what happens…

Another thing that came out of daves blog was the goal thing.  i liked how he set goals for himself and then reported back on how things went in the next months post or whenever.  I think thats something i need right now, goals.  to keep me from wasting all my time on xbox live, i need to take a leaf out of daves tree and super glue it to my own.  so here goes…

Lenerds goals:

Work: I just met with an old friend of mine today, James Cates, knew him in 6th grade, we were best friends back then.  anyway, met him on facebook, he said he had a job thing lined up, and i said sweet action.  So we had lunch today and talked it over.  It’s a financial aid company and from what i’ve heard i think it sounds sweet, so my goal is to look more into it, possibly apply and get started there.

Physical: I NEED to work out more.  I do occasionally, but it really dosnt help anything.  My goal here is simple, and i’m going to keep it slightly vague for now.  Sit ups, push ups, jump rope, running.  the first two on one day, the last two on alternating days.  probably a monday wednesday friday= push/sit ups thing…  every day.

Video Games: Go ahead and laugh it up Dave, but this is a fairly important goal for me (^_^)  i’m going to try and get my gamer score to at least 1000 points before the month is out.  simple, probably going to be easy…

Social: I realized, last time i hung out with dave and company, that  i never see people.  goal here is to just try and meet new people, go places, talk, whatever.  (^_^)

Writing: Saved the best for last.  I need to break through this stupid barrier and just sit down and write something, anything…  so i’m going to say at least 3 pages a day.  this goal could fluctuate depending on alot of things, but for now 3 pages seems reasonable enough…

thats that for now.  I just barely pulled those out of nowhere, so if they sound stupid/weird, thats why.  props to dave though, for writing a novel every post about goals and improving life.  alright, i’ve updated you.  i’m off to watch my little brother now and ponder the existence of mankind…

Bloodymare

I decided a couple days ago to start up a new section in this blog. The last two posts before this were the start of that section. Some of you cry out, “Lonny, I can seem to make sense of this, help me!” Not to worry my fellow chaps and chapetts, there is a simple solution. On the right hand side of this blog, there is a little box with the word “categories” in it. Beneath that are two links; one says “life” and one says “remembering”. The life one is my normal everyday posts. This post will go under the “life” category and if you click that link you will see all of the “everyday” posts.
The “remembering” link will take you to all the posts under my new project. This project is simple: I’m going to tell the story of my life from the start of my 9th grade year to now. Why? Because i’ve become very confused with life right now. You cant know where your going unless you know where you’ve been. thats’ why…

On to other topics. Guess what i just spent my entire day doing? Playing the new game, bloodymare. MMORPG that kicks some serious ass. I looked up just now and realized it was three in the morning. I started playing at ten in the morning yesterday. phew… my brain is dead, but i didnt realize it till it was to late. Anyway, thought i woud upload some pics of my day….

some pics of my first ever party session in this game. we rocked those caves….

And i just thought this was funny. A bunch of goblins are attacking this dude in a bear suite. I dont know how he got a bear suite, but it’s awesome. I’m starving and tired, so i’m going to take care of the first by eating chocolate while i watch the latest episode of heroes, and the later by sleeping right after that. so i’m out. peace.

Summer, and the End of Days

Summer flew by, time lost in unpacking and organizing the new house. I sat outside on our porch sometimes, looking out at our dirt lawn and the new neighborhood, allowing myself to slip back into my thoughts, thoughts of what i had lost in American Fork. Already though, that life seemed apart from me. I looked at this as a new start. I had been promised that we wouldn’t move again by my dad, and it was because of that that i let go of everything and focused on the present.  

Finishing our basement took priority after we had unpacked the essentials.  We needed to get ourselves out of the living room and into our own rooms, which i was excited for.  We ended up finishing the rooms and the downstairs living room about four days before school started.  The downstairs bathroom didn’t get finished till much later, our family puts things off a lot, and with twelve people living under one roof, it was hard to keep track of one project for too long…  

Even though The weather disagreed, school signaled the end of summer, and the beginning of waking up early and actually having a schedule.  The night before school started I couldn’t sleep.  I wasn’t nervous at all of what new people i might meet or the surroundings i might not recognize.  I was excited to start over at life.  I had my new backpack, which had all the equipment needed to start a new grade.  A few notebooks, pencils and pens, books to read if class got boring…  I was prepared; i had new clothes laid out, never worn before, and i was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my alarm to go off so i could get up and get ready for school.  My first day was more than i could have hoped for…

Remembering…

First post for the month of December.  The way i’m going, last post to.  Sorry to all who care for not posting more, but i’m not around the internet a lot of the time, and i’m not rich enough to buy myself a computer/internet.  

Just got out of high school a couple months ago, and i already miss it.  I remember 9th grade, freshmen year, and my family was making me move to Heber from American Fork.  This was the thousandth time we had moved in the last four years, and i hated it so much.  It was summer time, the green grass tickling my bare feet and the smell of sunshines and clear skies on the cool breeze blowing through my hair.  I inhaled deeply, calming myself, then i opened my eyes and stared at my new high school.  

Classes hadn’t started yet, but my dad thought it would be fun to drive me down to the school, to get to know the new place.  I know he was only trying to help, but at the time i wished he’d just leave me alone…  He let me walk back home, and left me alone with the fading sunlight, falling past the school, throwing everything into shadow as i tasted freedom one last time.  I didn’t belong anywhere, anywhere but where i wanted to.  And right now it was easy to forget American Fork, missing it, and just to live in the moment.  

As my eyes adjusted to the twilight, i slipped my flip-flops on and turned to walk back to the road that led straight up to  my new house.  It was as i walked myself home that I thought of life for the first time, and where it would take me…  I got in the house and smelled that “new” scent that comes with everything just finished.  New book smell, new house smell…  This house really was just brand new, we were the first people to live in it.  Meaning all the plugs and light switches worked, there were no scratches or holes on the walls, no old furniture that the previous occupants left behind, and no grass in the front or back lawn.  Also, the basement, which would become my and my three brothers rooms, wasn’t finished, so we were all sleeping in the living room.  What a drag.  But that new house smell…  ah, it was and still is my favorite smell.  

I was at that stage in life, a stage that people that move a lot hit at some point after the big move.  The point where everything is exciting.  New life, new house, new smells.  A point in life of letting go.  Starting over.  At this point, i could see Heber working as a home for me.  And i could see American Fork a lot less.

Just Randomly

I decided to share some photos of me.  A picture is worth a thousand words, and i’m feeling really lazy when it comes to posting in the old blog, so to make this a novel without any work, here they are:

There you go.  enjoy.

Amazingly Hungry…

Hey all, i’m really hungry, ha ha.  i’m at daves, he just had his ordination.  Go being an elder man!  Now i’m just waiting here on the computer, trying to get some stuff to sell on ragnarok so i can buy an awesome weapon for my bard (on ragnarok).  it’s pretty dull, just waiting there, so i thought, while i was waiting, i would update my blog.  so here i am.

Lets see…  Updates on me…  I played rag alot.  like, i rebirthed three different characters (thats alot of play time).  and ive been job hunting like a motha’ trucka!  but to no avail.  It’s super hard finding a job these days.   My mom just lost her job.   Stupid american express is going under, we have no idea what were going to do for money now….

so yeah, depressed version of me right now.  but thats cool, thing’ll work out in the end.  whether i’m dead or alive…

Kind of Tired…

A couple days ago I partied all night long with Dave, Shane, Dallin, and Tanner.  We pretty much pulled an all nighter.  Stayed up till around five in the morning.  So it was a ‘kind of’ all nighter.  We stayed up all night because We didnt even start hanging out till, like, Ten.  And because were probably not going to hang out for another three months…  This sucks.

So it’s two days later, and i have to wake up really early.  9A.M.  …  thats right, i said 9A.M. … A.M.!!!  So i could go job hunting all over West Jordan.  So i’m so tired it’s idiotic.  It’s the end of that day right now, and my head hurts from so much job hunting.  Getting asked the same stupid question a million times kind of makes your head hurt.

I got the distinct feeling that Dave didnt really enjoy our bashing on each other all the time, when we were hanging out.  I totally understand that man, but we werent serious.  I’m sorry if i said anything to you that you now hate me for.  I dont know why, but calling eachother names to be funny dosnt bother me at all…  I decided to buy the Hollywood Undead CD.  it’s just so freakin awesome, they have me hooked.  Like i said earlier, they swear alot and have sexual content, but if that dosnt bother you you should totally check them out.

Also, i started a twitter account.  I’m following you guys, Shane and Dave, and some other dudes to.  Twitters search engine was down, so i couldnt search for anyone, so i just stole all the dudes Dave was following.  I set it up on my phone, so i can text you all that i’m going number 2 when i am.  (^_^)

On a very much more sad note, Dave texted me today and said Cosmo, his dog, had been put down.  I’m really sorry Dave, he was a really good dog, I’ll miss him…

My aunt Christie had a baby three days ago.  It had to get flown to a special hospital cause it had serious problems.  Were not sure if the baby is going to recover at all…

Shesh, i hate sad stuff…  Well, thats about it for the updates on me.  I have an appointment in two days for American Express, interview!  10A.M.  which is a little better that 9A.M. yay!  ha ha, wish me luck!